It has been awhile since my first post. And, honestly, I don't really remember it. It was three days after my husband was arrested and I was still in shock. Today, I am writing to you from a new home. Having sold almost everything I own to move somewhere new, safer, clean. It has been a long process and I will slowly tell everything that has happened over the next few weeks. I hope to write a few times a week. And hopefully, my story will help others. My husband is no longer in the country. I have been reconciled with my daughters and am moving forward one step at a time. Each week is a little better. Some days good, some days bad. I am seeing a counselor and receiving assistance from our state's Crime Victim Fund which has been a blessing. Anxiety comes and goes. This is the first time in my life that I am living alone, at 43. It was difficult moving from my home of eighteen years, but at the same time, I found it continually difficult to live there after all that had occurred. The injuries I had received from the last attack on May 7, left me with at least one broken molar, a mild concussion and extreme anxiety. I will have to have two oral surgeries at least for an implant above the damaged molar and a root canal and crown. Normally, I have never had a problem with these things, but due to the anxiety I am not doing well with having to allow someone to do something so intrusive and additional pain. It's mental. I'm strong and I will fight through it.
Unfortunately, my husband was allowed to leave the country on his own without signing dissolution paperwork. This was against my wishes, the wishes of the prosecutor and my husband's probation officer. The court lost track of my husband as no one was certain if he had left the country or not for over a month. Eventually, I received his credit card statement in the mail and was able to determine that he had left the country and was hiding in Madrid, Spain for almost a month until he finally went home to his family in Alicante. We were supposed to go there for vacation for a month beginning in early July. I had a feeling my husband would hide from his family until the time we were supposed to arrive and then tell them that I had left him. Ever again playing the victim. Little did he know that his family had contacted me to find out what was going on as they had not heard from him for almost two months. They also had contacted the Spanish Consulate who in turn contacted me wanting to know his whereabouts. As we will eventually discuss, this type of behavior, protecting reputation, etc., is typical in an abuser. Particularly, one with narcissistic personality disorder. I believe this profile may fit who we will just refer to as AMD.
Today, I am happy in my apartment. At least, relieved. I can live comfortably, peacefully, and that is something I have been unable to do for over two years. I grieve for the loss of time with my children, the hurt that has been caused to them. I hope that in my recovery, I can find some type of understanding of what was wrong with AMD that he was unable to communicate with me in a rational way and we could have peacefully ended the relationship. He was at best a severe alcoholic. Easy answer, but not one that helps. Because, there is something behind it.
For now, I have returned to exercising regularly. I am working on developing a regular habit of meditation and focusing on clean eating. All of these help me to battle the depression and anxiety from the abuse and to feel centered and grounded. No longer focusing on the past or the future, but the present. I don't always want to do these things, but I know they will help me get better and remember what an amazing person I am. Although, physical abuse is damaging, verbal and emotional abuse is destroying. And that was the worst. You can get better. You are not a victim. I don't like the term survivor either. I just am.
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